Monday, September 17, 2012

Checking out on life.

Recently I have come to a certain conclusion about myself.I feel like I have been in a fog for such a long time.I see certain things just passing by as if I've been in a dream for some long period of time.In reality it's been more like a ten year nightmare that started with my almost 11 year old son having his first Grand Mal seizure.

How did I come to this place? How did I get here? I had so many hopes and dreams for myself and my children and these medical issues with all three have left me blindsided.Not only have they taken their physical toll on the kids,but mental as well, as the seizures have caused so much damage to their minds and abilities.

I know God has a plan and purpose for all of us.but I would be lying if I didn't say there are times when I wonder and ask him what plan,what purpose? What possible purpose could there be in my children suffering so?Still I believe in God's Word enough to know there is one.

I have let myself go, blindsided by sorrow for the life I left behind.A life of just going through things day to day,cooking,cleaning,enjoying the time spent homeschooling my children,long trips to libraries reading all day,field trips that were actually quite physical.There once was a time when we were all quite fit and could go on hikes and walk for miles without any difficulties.

We still try to go on walks and things,but Arthritis and fatigue quickly hit Ariel and Daniel as they are on meds that make you not sweat, and Arthritis has made it to where Ariel cannot walk for real long periods without being overcome with exhaustion.

We spend more of our time going back and forth to doctors clinics,Emergency rooms and hospitals as well as labs and therapies.Just when I think we are finally going to get a reprieve either Daniel's seizures once again become horribly out of control or Ariel is suffering from some ailment either seizures,kidney stones or her latest round of stomach pains. 

I find myself going back into that fog of spending too much time on the computer or immersing myself in a novel or story.It's like my escape from the harshness of reality.I know this is not helping my children,but I'm only human and can only take so much weight upon my shoulders.

I have aged before my time,not that I've ever been all that consumed by outward beauty,but at times I just feel so old.Then I look at my children and see all the ailments and problems they have with their young bodies.Way too many for someone 18,and ones that just turned 20 and 21.They should be in the prime of their lives.

I'm really praying that God will help me to turn around the things that I can.To help me and give me strength to once again be that mother I used to be.To be more choosy in the foods I prepare to spend more time with my children(young adults) Though not mentally so, and help them to achieve some of their dreams and goals.

I pray that once again we are set on the right path and direction where God wants us to be and not just stumbling through life just going through the motions and becoming numb trying escaping the nightmare that's been set before us.

I pray that God will help us through this and know he will because his Word says so.

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